It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
