Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
