i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
