this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
smell my finger.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
