Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
