Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
