There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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