I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
