You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
