he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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