apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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