Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
