is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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