He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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