If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
