I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
