okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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