we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
