Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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