Joe is yelling at the trees again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i now understand why vodka
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
