Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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