Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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