Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
