Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
