we made out on top of his cat.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
