Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
