My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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