I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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