is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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