I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
