he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
