Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
