Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
