I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
