I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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