Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
