i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
