I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
