well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
