he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize
