yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
