Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my shit smells like andre
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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