So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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