i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sext me about skeletons
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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