my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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