plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
