Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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