happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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