I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
