I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
